My cat Mao Mao, means "furfur" , Born in July, 19, 1981, and died in Jan 21, 2008. I had always wanted to write something for her.
I however, cannot be sure what to use among, it, she, or he. It's a female cat. The relationship between us is very different from that of human being, I may call her, "it", as our communication doesn't need words. Sometimes, however I feel it's a female character or some other times a male. So in my writing below , I may regardless of formal usage, and use as I feel proper at the time.
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At the time of her born, I was 16 years old. It's a surprise to us, she born in our family, as the only one delivered. She had a very funny face , half of the face is yellow, and another half black. Since her born, there's even a clear line that divided colour of her nose from middle, and half is black. But as she grew, the line faded and it become simply pink. Her body was mottled in yellow and black .
Her parents are two white cats, both called Mili. But only the father was ours, was a very smart and active tomcat with black ear and tail, and black spot on his head only, a mix-breed Persian cat. And the mother was borrowed to make her pregnant only, a pure white Persian cat. But I did not like her. Despite same treatment, she had identical smell of fish on her body, that made me disgusted. It's her first baby of her life, but she didn't seem to have any instinct as a mother. That is- whenever she heard the plate of food, she would rush in even while she was breastfeeding, than little Mao Mao would be dragged on floor for several meters. Her pregnancy made my much loved tomcat Mili skinny, that I found he was always waiting aside till she had a full meal, and very much gentleman like come to eat her remaining food. And the female Mili , despite pure-breed, seemed to have low IQ somehow, and we had no communication.
My very smart gentleman Mili had changed his character since born of Maomao. He sometimes howled at the new born. He was the smartest I had ever seen, he knew how to open a side door from cupboard, when it's fixed, then he learnt how to jump and open from the front. A very playful cat like jump. But he didn't seem to get along with his family, and had developed a gruesome character. Without our permission , my dad gave him to one friend. The cat didn't eat for three days, then it is heard that they released him so became a stray cat. When I discussed this with my cousin , I wonder why there's no good result for such beautiful and smart cat, he said he's too smart and rebellious.
Now after female Mili left, after her duty, Maomao became the only cat in our family. I had little memory of her earliest years, as I was getting more serious on my study at the time during a music high school.
But later years during my university, she's got baby fat, and grew huge. And her favourite place was my stereo system, when she slept or simply stayed without any expression for hours and hours. At this time, the cat had became such a silent and ignored object. she was described as a dull, lazy and fat cat.
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I was an identically very smart and lazy kid described my all teachers.And music learning was natural and smooth, with habit rather than conscious to succeed.
Since 16 years old, I had conscious for better marks . It was easy at beginning, but strange melancholia gradually came to me. When getting better , in the other hand less happier and satisfied. The study sometimes became unstable for reason unknwon, even my teacher sometimes could not tell. Sometimes the teacher told me he was led into a maze. That's while I was grasped by strange uncertainty. Since then I found I frequently had to change teachers. In fact, I had always two teachers . The change always happened when one was unable to pull me up at certain stage, and to change always sped me up. But after a while the same thing would happen again.
It was then first time I touched Yijin, the Bible of Change. I must not be able to really understand it at the time. But I thought I had got valuable hint from it. That is whenever I thought of my marks I couldn't get it, that I needed to be simple , as simple as a child enjoy his game.
The learning of composition was suggested by my teacher,who was also the organiser of composition of " the violin concerto Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yntai." When even my teacher was troubled by my psychological disturbance, he suggested channel my extra energy into creation. And my ability of logical thinking was he thought perspective if compose. And I did calm down and succeed from both enjoyment. My high school, ended with achievement with high mark in performance and after 6 month training, entrance to composition major that I could be proud of. I took composition as major at the time.
However , such achivement in my 18 years old, after short excitement was emptiness . And during the long holiday I started to question what I succeeded for? Many works since then lost motivation . A question remained unsolved and I wondered as 18 years old I was abnormal . When I saw psychiatrist , I surely got no answer.
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Ecclesiastes 2
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
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The years of university was when the cat was motionless and dull, mostly sleeping on the stereo-system. She was a bit fat as I was.
In the university, the schedule become over compact and mechanic, I lost inspiration .The life suddenly become tasteless as I suffered. At the time, the psychological disturbance has become severe. Now I remeber there's certain period of time , my things broken strangely in sequences. First, mouthpiece split from flute headpoint , then hair clip broken from hair, and at the same time, the fat cat suddnetly jumped on a porcelain (china) Tang Sancai horse, and the horse was broken into pieces. And I also remember she broke my flute with another mental jump. Who knew where she got the idea? I had also unknwon fear, in fact it was strong and weird without reason, but like horror. Some strangers sometimes had stranger ghosty and scary darker colour on their body and face.Unusual vision.
In fact I was using some medicine suggested by doctor to calm myself, and found it worked only for short while. As I more frequently use the medicine, I felt worse.Sometimes I was slow in thinking.
I also had stomach disorder, later was discovered as ulcer. But the doctors in the city was unable to cure me. I was well in grandpa's hand. It was stomach disorder, at beginning, I thought it's huge appetite made me always hungry. Sometimes I had to eat again just one hour after a proper meal, and there's always weird acid made me uncomfortably hungry. But when sometimes just full, I felt like to vomit immediately. I went to the clinic of the school, then was transfered to a big city hospital. After check , they said I had very light stomach problem. Myself felt more serious than that, but psychiatrist suggested me such doubt could be psycologically caused. Then the doctor of school clinic gave me more antidepressant. But it's still getting worse.
Yet, in the peak of my unknown panic, there's a strange voice inside me , said " I will be OK." Nowdays when I thought back, I appreciated the psychiarist in one of mental health department of an outsourcing hospital. When I told him my strange voice, he said I had no problem, and that's why he insisted on aknowledgement adjustment , without giving any tablets.
I then stopped seeing all psychiatrists, as I thought they were useless. And that's the first time I started to question authorities in my life, question the knowledge and judgement of professionals. And this character had since then remained, and I was since then never timid when I had less knowledge than any professionals, instead I would seek for an answer myself through my own learning. This gradually became a habbit.
To eliminated the doubt I finally went to rural hospital in the country side , and a complete check, this involved with fasting, camera and pipe to insert deep into my stomach, which, the doctor in hospital of the big city told unecessary. But I was determined to know the truth. The result at the time was ulcer, and my bowel swollen , so it made hard to vent excrement. This was why sometimes I felt vomit and didn't want to eat at all, but suddently I could eat a lot as the stomach may suddenly get double hungry. Also I did think there's somehow some hormone change in me, as I had never reached that weight than I used to.
A rural hospital is more informative than a famous big hospital in the city. This was in the year 1993. And now as I looked back, I found these were not accidental...
I then transfered from composition to performance, as apparently it was bad for both at the time.
I began interested in science , especially psycology, and grandually developed ability to adjust myself. The four years in the university, was time of adjustment. As I struggled. Performance somehow wasn't as stable as when I was in high school, but gradually stablised in later years.
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